An Odd Kind of Jealousy

     I suppose it was only right that the day was dreary and filled with rain.  We were on our way to the funeral of Aunt Helen, the last remaining daughter of the thirteen children that comprised my dad’s family; a natural heaviness hung over my brother, cousin and I as we made the two hour journey.  We were doing our best to not let the gloom of the situation overtake us, and then….

     The call came some 20 minutes before we reached the cemetery, informing us that Uncle Roy had passed on earlier that morning. As the saying goes, “And then there was one.”  Thirteen siblings, and only one remains. By the time we arrived at the service almost everyone was aware that another service would occur before the week had passed.

     Yet, as I stood among the mourners and sat at lunch with the family, I discovered that my real sadness went beyond the fact that we had lost more cherished family, that children and grandchildren would no longer be able to pick up the phone and hear a comforting voice, that family meals would now be held at someone else’s home and prepared by other hands. No, my heart ached with an odd kind of jealousy. 

     I was jealous because Helen and Roy, these dear loved ones, were in the presence of Jesus. They were where I long to be. I guess I didn’t realize how intense my desire was until that moment.

     How do you tell a grieving child (Helen’s children are my age) that I am thrilled she has graduated to her eternal reward and I can hardly wait to join her? Realistically, you can’t say those words. Instead, you express your sorrow for their loss and promise to pray for the peace of God to comfort their hearts and minds. And I performed the task as required.

     But inside I wanted to scream for Jesus to come gather the rest of us also.  Why should we have to continue enduring this fallen world with its wars, disease, corrupt leaders and an ever increasing antagonism toward Christ and His followers? Were Helen and Roy called home because they were both aged, suffering recent physical ailments and recently bereft of their life-long partners?  No, others pass from this world who don’t meet those qualifications.

     Needless to say, my journey home was filled with soul searching and a questioning of my own attitudes.  What I discovered is that I am not at all dissatisfied with life; quite the contrary – I find more joy in where I am and what I am allowed to do than ever before in my life. I also discovered, however, that the more I have come to know Jesus, to experience His presence in my life and to understand the process of sanctification, the more I want to be with Him in all His glory.  This desire was the source of my jealousy.

     As this reality became apparent to me, I began to pray that more and more believers would experience this increasing friendship with Jesus that intensifies our desire to be with Him.  Are you jealous of those who have gone before you to meet Him?